The Whole is Always Greater than a Sum of It´s Parts

A very important reason for difficulties in resolving conflicts is the fact that the parts
involved have quite different imaginations of what the whole situation is about. They have
different stories about what happened, what was the main point in the thing happened, what is
important and what should happen next.
Because os my own story seems so obvious and so sensible, it is easy to overlook that the other persons story also may be
reasonable, though in a completely different way.
I have to always remember that what I see and hear is NOT the absolute and objective truth!!!!!There are as many truths than there are participants. That is why it is unnecessary to try to understand what happened when the parts involved are not there in person.

Difficult talks are difficult when/if each of the involved parts insist that their own description of what the conflict is about, is the only authentic way to see the things. Seeing the things from your own viewpoint is often the only reason for you to think that the other is not more flexible, that they are malicious, reckless, stupid or something else negative.
Then, how can we talk to each other about what happened and what should happen without going to personal attacks, filled with debt, negative testimonials, sarcasm and other meaningless things?
Experience shows that the discussions can be more difficult than needed because of the people involved are going into the the discussion with false assumptions
There are three kinds of false assumptions that are extra ordinary:
1. My picture of the situation is the true picture.
2. I know what the assumtions behind your actions were.
3. Someone is to blame for what happened, and it is not me.

These assumptions have harmful effects on the discussion because they are not on a conscious level.
We simply assume that it is so and therefore do not want to find out if it is true or not. An important part of the art of bringing constructive talks in conflicts is to transform these three assumptions.
If you instead assume the following basic settings, chances are greater that the problems you have can be handled constructively:

1. I do not know how the other's thoughts of the whole situation are, therefore we must begin with finding out the main features of everyone's story.

2. I know what effect the other's behavior had on me, but not the intentions of the other guided by in different situations.

3. To determine who is to blame for the problems is an ineffective way to avoid similar problems in future. It is more interesting to
find out how all contributed to the point where an unfortunate situation occurred, so that
we can find ways to prevent it happening again.

Never do the mistake you are sure about what another person thinks!!!!!

Never do the mistake to interprete the other persons intentions before you have asked him/her!!!!

There do not need to be someone to blaim; no one can discuss or argue alone!!!!

And never use the power of i.e. your higher position in the profession to claim your opinion is the right opinion!!!!



The truth gets its meaning through the story it is the part of.

Draft conflicts can often be solved by simply defining what
the facts are. The conflicts that seem difficult to solve do not arises because the of involved parts can not agree on facts, but because they have different experiences of the
facts important in the situation and the facts insignificant in the context. So why do not find out what the other part means?????

A very important prerequisite for the art of the constructive talks is you being aware that different people's perception is filled with completely different things.
Everyone has their own story about what happened and is happening. It is the story as a whole, that gives the individual facts a meaning: The whole is always greater than the sum of its parts.

About good and evil and Paulo Coelho

I have recently been reading many books written by Paulo Coelho. These books have brought up a lots of thoughts, especially as I have been reading other literature at the same time, everything from Freud's collected works to Andrew Taylor's The Four Last Things. The question these books have raised again is about the difference between good and evil, madness and non-madness.
Do we have any obvious definition of these labels even though we live in 2008? No, we do not. How can the justice say that a certain person needs psychiatric care and the other not? Sure, those classified as psychopaths possibly associated with the narcissistic disorder are considered to not be insane. And as one who has seen almost all types of disturbed personality, I can agree; they are suffering of a personality disorder that can not be cured and they often know exactly what they do but they just do not care. They lack empathy.
But what is that we call evil? Are there evil people? I think there actually are not even if we are shown this evil in a number of films letting us to understand this is the case. That evil is something that relates to Bible, the devil and other similar things.
In fact, it can be a vicious congenital deviation in human neurology and then there is surely no reason to involve the whole religion in this. Neurological abnormalities have been shown to play a major role in behavior but we should not forget the parents who, in turn, ensures that the "deviant" personality may get as good upbringing as possible. IT can make the difference between mass murderers and economic criminals. Where I wanted to come? Nowhere, more than once more to point out that the world is not always like it looks like to be ....

Some traps when trying to use positive thinking style

The victim:
You have a feeling that you do not control your life yourself, but it is controlled by someone from outside. Especially this is used to happen in adverse events, which just happens but you feel you just have to let it happen. And for positive events, you may see is as a "pure luck" that the good thing happened. Anyway, you feel there is no idea to do anything but be passive. We can still do not control the future and not get past obstacles.

Yes, but ...:
Your answers to all possible solutions is "yes, but" because of a myriad reasons why it proposes, can not and will not work.


Exercise to try:
Write your negative thoughts, thoughts that are so automatic that you no longer even thinks about them.
Do the same with your positive thoughts and try to find them and actually dare to write them up. Opposition to see the positive things in yourself tends almost to be more than to see the negative things.

And finally: anything can happen at any time!

Take control of your mental processes

To be able to take control of your mental processes requires that you can notice them. Rita Mae Brown, once said: "To do the same thing over and over again and expect a new result, is equal to the madness."

Sure you know that the result is wrong after a while, of course, you can see it. But it is difficult to understand what you're doing wrong. You are trying just to take what you think seem to be the fastest way to get the best results.

How does it work?

You experience the reality by your five senses and make an interpretation of it. Your interpretation is not the same as reality itself, but your own picture of it. It is what YOU imagine is reality.

The problem occurs when your own "subjective" reality does not match so well with the "objective" reality. You try to do something you feel as good or right, but it does not work. You may then choose to try to change the objective reality to suit your thoughts, or to change your own reality to suit the objective reality. What do you think is easiest? Moving the mountain to Mohammed, or moving Mohammed to the mountain?

We go a little deeper

To be able to be happy, sad, angry, irritable, calm, etc.., the body must mix the right chemicals. In this way, you are actually your own bartender. The only question is what do you mix of drink. What do you feel?

If you are going out and play the game, race or mush on the green when 100 people stand and watch, you can feel stressed out, pressured or nervous. What will you do?

Stress, pressure and nervousness, and all other permits are not real. Have you ever seen a high level of stress lying on the ground in front of your feet when you're out and play or compete?

Stress, pressure and nervousness are mental processes that you create and they are usually unconscious. But if you become aware of them, you can also detect when they are on the way and stop them.
Easy? Yes and now we do it!

Pain

If you, in the middle of your pain look up to the pure presence, if you only do this for a brief moment it is possible that your relationship with the pain changes in that particular moment. It is impossible that it would not be altered, because by keeping it in mind, even if you only manage to do it one or two seconds, the pain is revealed immediately in larger dimensions. When your relationship to the experience changes you can think outside the box and act more freely in any given situation, what ever it may be ... even if you do not know what to do...

The pain itself is not the main thing, it is how you relate to it.